What made you walk away? Where did you go? Who went with you and who did you leave behind? Where are you now? There is a lot of movement in those questions and it’s the aliveness of the journey that stands out to me. Deconstruction is anything but stagnant.
In a previous post, I shared about how deconstruction is the opposite of both construction and destruction; it is the responsible identification of the constructed elements of one’s faith and then wondering what might be useful again and in what configuration. Religious participation is declining even more in Canada since the COVID-19 pandemic1 and there is a lack of understanding about the push-and-pull factors that influence the journey to and away from faith in Canada.2 For me, church provided more than a set of religious rules to follow within a group; acting as place to find social engagement and community support was a huge factor. And while social isolation was already a public health concern prior to 2020, when I was no longer interested in church attendance in my predominantly conservative evangelical community, I had to look elsewhere for a lot of that. While I can’t pinpoint the exact time I started deconstructing my faith, when I needed to find more critical thinkers/deep feelers after 2020, I didn’t know where to look. As you may have guessed, I would have loved to learn of a local group like this. Present-day-Sara is responding to past-Sara’s need and finding it cathartic. Maybe you will, too!
So welcome to another new blog series I’m working on called Deconstruction Stories! Whether you’ve deconstructed or deconverted yourself, are in the midst of deconstructing, are supporting someone who is or are wondering why anyone would need to – there are a shortage of safe spaces for people to talk about this stuff. Consider this your invitation to do just that. And a few people already have responded, ready to share their story of what faith deconstruction means to them. We’ll start things off with Brette.
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1. What was your faith background growing up?
I was raised in an Evangelical Christian home. Spreading the “word” was the number one conviction. In the evangelical faith I was taught it was the one way to heaven, through a belief in Jesus.
2. When did you first encounter the term “deconstruction” and what did you understand it to mean?
The term deconstruction wasn’t exactly what l used when I took an inward look at my beliefs and chose to break down and rebuild my idea of faith. My “deconstruction” started in my mid 20s and I remember saying that I have “thrown out everything religious I have ever been taught and I am learning and deciding what feels right for me in my heart.”
3. Does the term resonate with you (past/present); or what would be a better term for what you have gone through?
Although this term was only brought to my attention in more recent years (after I went through my own “deconstruction”) I feel the term is exactly what I would use to describe the process. In my case it may have been more of a demolishing. I didn’t break things down slowly. The Christianity I was taught made me sick. So many things sat poorly with me all my life that I had been told were true. My demolishing may have taken longer than I feel it did, but I do feel like I woke up one day and threw it all out. The reconstruction took a lot longer.
3. People who go through deconstruction often describe a conflict of beliefs that sparked it. What were some conflicts you experienced?
Where do I start with this one, sigh. There are so many conflicts I felt with evangelical christianity. They started when I was quite young and wondered, why me? Why am I going to heaven and millions of other people who are God’s children would be sent to hell? No matter what I could do as a child my parents would never send me to eternal damnation. Unconditional love is not involved in this scenario if even my earthly, imperfect, flawed parents, with only a tiny capacity to love their child like God loves, would forgive me and love me forever. It didn’t make sense that a god who created all these children who he loved unconditionally and equally would allow such a horrific end to billions of humans. Not a god I could get behind.
Baptism upset me. I was pushed when I was a teen to get baptized. To stand in front of a huge congregation and talk about all the personal things in my life seemed horrific. Not to mention I couldn’t grasp why I needed to do this to really be “in the fold”. When I was told baptism was something I needed to do for god to really believe I was his follower I felt gross. A god who was supposed to know my heart, my inner workings, my every thought, needed me to publicly declare my “personal relationship”? No thanks. What a needy guy.
Next would be the “gay” issue. I became close with a couple of gay boys in my life, both of whom suffered greatly reconciling their love of god and who they were. Not on my watch, beautiful boys. You are everything you need to be and you are good. If this god we learned about couldn’t love my best friend, then that god wasn’t someone I would vouch for.
These are just some of the many conflicts I had within myself over the years. Not to mention interactions with fellow christians that left me feeling disgusted with their judgment, snobbery, and stupidity about the real world outside of a small church bubble.
4. What did you retain from your previous belief system and what did you discard? What replaced what you discarded?
I would say I retained the belief in a creator. The natural world is so intricate and beautiful in how it runs perfectly to maintain stability. Can that be by chance? I don’t know. I like to think there is a reason we are here, a purpose to life on this planet. I think I have used the beauty of nature to commune with god. I find my heart so open to the world when I can take in the miracle of nature. I have also replaced religion with humanism. How much more beautiful did my life become when I wasn’t trying to speak AT people and change them. The most beautiful thing about humanism is that we are all in this together working to make a loving world.
I think I discarded most everything else. Although I do feel a pretty strong love for Jesus, the original humanist. Could have been a whack job for all I know but he taught love. The greatest gift.
5. Besides spirituality, what other aspects of your life changed? What did you lose or gain because of deconstruction?
I feel as though I’m more spiritual. Doing things that feel good in my heart and soul have made me kinder, more understanding and more loving. I feel as though deconstruction has opened me up to learning the actual lessons the universe and nature want me to learn. I have gained peace in my soul, in my mind and in my heart. It has been the most freeing thing I have ever done for myself.
I have lost a few friends along the way, but that is nothing compared to the wonderful people I have in my life now. My parents have also deconstructed and it has made us unimaginably close as a family.
All in all I have gained a beautiful life filled with all the love and none of the guilt I feel is a product of a religious construct.
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If you are interested in sharing your Deconstruction Story, wherever you’re at with it, please contact me to learn more about this platform and how you can be a part of this series.
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The Prairie Thistle 